never knew panic till I realized how short it really is…

Now my eyesight is not what it used to be, so as I passed, I knew it wasn’t her…well, she was at home anyway – and I am guessing if the lady noticed me, she probably felt that I was some creepy dude staring at her (sorry).

Anyway….not sure where shit went bad, but it did….

Today, as I walked the paths down on Riverside Drive, I passed a woman sitting on a bench. At first from a distance, I thought it was my wife sitting there; her build was the same, her hair pulled up under a hat like she does and the way she was studying the Red River was the way she looks at things.

The only difference was the hair had a lot of grey in the ponytail, which helped to lead to what happened next. It wasn’t so much that she looked like my wife…it was that she looked like I imagined my wife (hopefully many) years from now – with me gone.

With each step closer my mind went more out of tune (no other way to describe the panic/depression that was growing exponentially) as I saw my Joy sitting there, being close to the water to be as near to me as she imagines she can…wistfully lost in thought….

….and I literally lost it.

I couldn’t catch my breath.

I couldn’t stop the tears.

I couldn’t walk and leaned against the wall behind Waffle House.

I felt, not for the first time – but stronger than ever, that there is less time on this side of the hourglass than the other for me. I realized that this old body is most likely going to let me down one day and leave her sitting there trying to capture something of who we were during our time together.

I called home and she immediately knew something was wrong…because that just isn’t me. I had to assure here that it wasn’t a medical emergency, that she didn’t need to rush to pick me up.

But I couldn’t get the words to come out coherently, couldn’t get the emotions in control so I could explain why I called her. I was almost on my knees and each attempt to explain was met with gasps for air, attempts to stay on my feet.

She knew. She understands me, and those feelings more than others and we talked for several minutes; talking “bout sweet time” (Tim McGraw reference).

She helped me to put words together, to take steps…to get home to her.

So why would I share this complete and total departure from everything that I am, from everything that anyone who knows me thinks I am?

To remind me…my kids…grandkids….you…

….it is really not much more than a few seconds here for any of us.

Live ‘em.

Today, it was only in my over active imagination, but one day someone will be sitting somewhere thinking about what you were to each other, wishing they could just say hello one more time.

Say I love you, just one more time.

Do it today. Do it now. As often as you can….with all that you are.