for today…it’s cool

I have spent too many hours in the last month “peeling back the onion”.  It is an exercise that is not recommended.  But getting too close to mortality has that effect on me personally.

What better time to waste thinking about things you cannot change than when you realize the clock is not in your favor! Digging through memories that leave one hurt, that left others hurt, that you fear have led to some bad consequences; there is no value.  But yet, I have done it too many hours.  

It can be difficult for me.  I have spent the last years being hypercritical of decisions, layouts, plans, etc. in an effort to avoid things going wrong.  I like to believe that I was very good at looking for breaking points.  This skill makes it hard to evaluate what you have done right, or wrong – I keep looking for “bad”.  

After several hours of wallowing in all the “big” things where I feel that I failed, I decided to start weighing each one against a “good” thing.  As I pulled a layer from the onion and encountered a moment, or series of moments (and the memory hurt me) I immediately started to expand days and months around that time looking for something to offset it. Is there more to me than that moment.

Now I am not a child, nor am I naïve enough to think this solves the hurt I did to others; but for me, it has proven beneficial.  Maybe not in a way that will absolve my sins, or to keep Karma from bitch slapping me, but this has allowed me to see who I have really been. 

It has also made me ok with me…and for today, that is enough.

~ by mrcsworld on February 14, 2023.