…with resolve…

2016.

What resolutions could I make; and keep? What promise to myself would affect anything outside of my personal space here on the couch?

Stepped on the scales…Christmas candy and cookies have won the battle…so conquering them is on the list…

…too much caffeine during the same period…guess I should back off on that also….

…been converting an old piano into a hidden bar…guess I should finish that…

…camp more….fish more…hug more…love more…

…work…well, talk about that one in a minute…

During the last year, my Joy and I threw logic to the wind and rented a car to drive back from a trip to Arizona. Along the way we took side trips to see silly things to most (largest ball of twine, Dodge City, a marble store, twenty foot tall shuttlecocks, etc.), stood in four states at once, took a deep breath atop the continental divide…bought a tent and spent a night in a place I felt I was certain we would never return from, came home to find ourselves recalibrated. Attended the Moon Pie festival, a Cajun winefest, several other small events; it was a good year.

Work…caught myself losing sleep over work. Found myself overworked, and tired too often. Work I once found challenging, and at times rewarding, has become a source of pain; a struggle to continue at the frantic pace that is required. The recalibration became erased by November and I was back on the track, trying not to lose footing; trying not to lose my job…trying to be the best at everything that I did.

I keep this on my desk…

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, he said:

“Man.
Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;
the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;
he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

It makes me sad that I used to believe in living, not working for a living; the quote hangs in my face daily…and I still stress over a freaking sheet metal box with a few parts in it….just for money…

 

“I used to believe in living, not working for a living” – MRC 2016

Had I seen that quote anywhere, it would have sparked such thoughts of rebellion in me. It would have called to my core values “Stand up and say ENOUGH!” I would question the “me” who feels trapped by the dollars it puts in my pocket, the insurance it puts on my health that deteriorates regardless.

The fact that I thought it myself troubles me more; that I wrote it without deep sadness……………..

…that I wrote it….then felt such pain, such….regret….

I talk with a friend of mine at work who questions whether she should retire. I always ask, “Can you afford it?” She always replies the same. “Yes”. Then I say “do it” with such envy…angry jealousy would probably be more accurate. But she will be there Monday….

 

….ENOUGH!

We get a few seconds on this earth…too few…and they pass. They pass seemingly faster and faster with each sunrise, each sunset.

Living, not working for a living….

….find something that supports both…

…find some way to step off the track for a few…and still eat….

I found myself at work late while dishrag was at my house playing in the days before Christmas…I was missing time that I can never get back…I was sacrificing life for a living. While I sacrificed almost every free second to spend time with my daughter as she grew….I did give some of that time in pursuit of things that do not give me satisfaction, that only paid for me to have more than I needed.

 

Enough….time to turn to a different page in 2016………….that is my resolution. Living….gonna get back to that….

 

…Happy New Year………a few last cookies to get rid of….then off to bed….

 

~ by mrcsworld on January 2, 2016.

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