Type damn it

Uncensored…that is what I am trying to be….unleashed may be a better descriptor. I have never wanted to be so sure of my words, never wanted them to be so real…new and fresh. I am struggling to let go and say exactly what I think because of that fear. My mind fills with thoughts, and my heart acknowledges them – validates them…but my hands hesitate to type them.

Are the words right…do they truly say what I feel?

Are the words too old, too used, too tired…have they seen too many miles?

Will they be seen with the translucent quality they have in my heart….so beautiful and pure, carefully wrapped in the genuine emotion that fills my life?

There are three words I wish I had never written before today. Although dumbass is not among them, it is the one that keeps drifting past me….I see it as one of those planes on the beach with the banner…back and forth, back and forth….

I ask God his reasoning, for putting things in front of me, things that mislead me…things that I thought I knew as the truth…and I know he is smiling. I will never understand why he couldn’t just bring me home, why he had to let me get lost in the weeds to find my sunflower….and I want to question it (were he/she here I would probably) but I think the smile would just broaden at the question….and I wouldn’t know any more than I do at this second….

“DumbAss”……the thesaurus is filled with them….the dictionary too….but none of them will fill….the way I feel about you….

Wait…………

I walked with my head down among the weeds….the occasional dandelion would catch my attention and cause me to pause…then inevitably, the breeze carried it out of sight, out of reach. The morning dew washing my feet, the afternoon sun drying them…the nights leaving me invisible…alone with the moonlight…with the dream of love; its elusiveness…crying to feel.

Then I woke to find myself face to face with a sunflower. There among the tall grass, the seemingly endless fields of green….smiling to me, inviting me to come closer….to sit…to listen to her playing music with eyes to the sky….leaning to shade me from the sun, even farther to cover me, to warm me in the night….wiping my tears….and sharing my dreams with me.